Whale Rider and the Art of Listening without Agreeing
There’s a powerful moment in the New Zealand film Whale Rider that captures a quiet but courageous kind of leadership.
Paikea, a young girl destined to lead, watches her grandfather Koro, a traditionalist elder, refuse to recognise her calling. Bound by centuries of cultural expectation, Koro cannot accept that leadership might look different in his generation. Yet Pai doesn’t fight him. She doesn’t argue. She listens.
Even as Koro refuses to see her, Pai continues to honour him. She shows respect, not rebellion. And in time, her patient presence and quiet persistence open a door that force never could.
It’s a moving picture of what many pastors face when leading change in the church. When confronted with strong emotions and disagreement, it’s tempting to fight for our position, freeze and abandon our convictions, or flee just to ease the awkwardness.
In my research on church change, I interviewed two New Zealand church leaders, Bruce and Michael, who modelled this same posture. Both led substantial changes in their congregations. Both encountered resistance. And both understood this vital truth: listening to someone doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing with them.
Bruce described it like this:
“I'm not there to win them over. I'm actually there to make sure they feel like they are heard. And so that when we get to that [eldership or church AGM] meeting, or that important place, actually, they're happy.”
In one example, Bruce visited a parishioner upset about him no longer wearing a clerical collar. He didn’t promise to change. He simply listened over tea and scones. The next Sunday, he still wasn’t wearing the collar—but the woman was less upset. Why? Because she’d been heard.
Michael, who pastors two rural churches, faced similar moments. One congregant was distressed over the idea of a pew being removed. Michael went to see her, to listen rather than attempt to persuade. He explained
“If you have that conversation, and you allow people to be listened to and understood, [although] not necessarily agreed with… Going to see people who are going to be really negatively impacted by the decision makes them feel seen and valued, and probably brings them on the journey a bit more than if they were just fully ignored.”
This ability to hold space without capitulating is the core of emotionally intelligent leadership. It echoes Susan Hassinger’s “rollercoaster” model of change, which shows how people often resist not because they disagree with the logic, but because they are grieving a loss. Leaders who can stay grounded through that storm often find that rational conversation returns in time.
Just like Pai in Whale Rider, effective change leaders don’t need to overpower resistance. They honour it. They listen. And they keep moving forward.
So, the next time one of your congregation pushes back, when someone says “this isn’t what church should be”, pause. Listen. Honour their story. But remember: agreement isn’t required for compassion. Leading change takes deep courage. Sometimes listening takes even more.